Lanci Style
Ken Lanci’s appeal to the 10-17 year old age demographic is truly amazing. When asked, 72.3% of children surveyed cited Lanci’s “gangster” style as his most admirable attribute. As many of us know Lanci is a legitimate businessman who has never to our knowledge been involved in criminal activities; he does however possess a street flash-n-swagger that is absent from machine politics, this could account for his popularity amongst urban youth. After all Lanci is the only candidate who is both from the projects* and willing to work on them with others.
* Source
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July 9th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Deadliest Warrior: John Lanci vs. John Boehner
Ken Lanci’s thick, tanned hide gives him protection similar to cour bouilli, which has remarkable hardness and can turn even steel blades. This, coupled with his brutal “legitimate businessman” fighting style, make him a serious contender. Lanci’s favorite tactics usually involve blinding his opponent with the glare from his white coiffure and then strangling them with his disturbing bronze hands. This maneuver is often accompanied by a soft, whiny sigh and tiny droplets of spittle that signify pleasure, fear, shame, or possibly all three. A forked, snake-like tongue has occasionally been sighted darting in and out of his facial orifices.
John “The Ass of Ohio” Boehner is better known his booming voice and child-like innocence, which he has refined to the point that he can repeat GOP talking points while completely unconscious. (This is helpful as conscious GOP mouthpieces occasionally have to deal with conscience too.) In combat, Boehner is largely unproven. His “Contract on America,” failed to killed the country, so he may lack follow-through, but on the other hand as conscienceless, possibly robotic minion of the GOP, he may have untapped fighting potential if properly programmed. To date Boehner’s only known battle tactic has been to stupefy his opponent with droning, feckless speeches, occasionally yielding submissions.
I have my doubts about whether strangulation would actually stop Boehner’s stream of verbal feculence, but at the same time I doubt that Boehner’s use of rhetoric, even droning, didgeridoo-like rhetoric, would have any chance of penetrating the primitive reptile brain of Lanci. Lanci’s proven stranglehold seems, to me, likely to defeat Boehner. One can only hope Boehner’s flesh is as poisonous as his his policies, so that after the battle, when Lanci unhinges his jaws to swallow the lifeless corpse, he will die as well, and we will be able to call the bout a victory for the people of Ohio.